William Shakespeare coined the phrase, “the winter of our discontent” in Richard III. I would like to borrow from his genius and capture my current-but-not-actually-yet summer in such a phrase, but this season may just have to reveal its nature first. Maybe at the arrival of autumn I can revisit my anticipated categorization of the summer to confirm or deny my guesses. Sitting in my bed in a rented house from which I will move before the end of the summer, I have a few concepts floating around my brain that I think will suit the season; I am hesitant to assume, though, for I serve a great God who brings forth resurrection from death. I also live in a world that holds and breeds both unspeakable sorrow and unimaginable beauty. I am small and so very limited, so I’ll continue to wonder and observe this season’s blooming. Then I will return to the naming.
On this particular Friday morning, I am feeling heavy with the weight of my ingrained pattern of addressing my brokenness by over-consuming. As I am closing at least one major chapter of my life, I am looking closely at my anxieties, desires, choices, patterns, etc. Over-consumption is not a newly realized pattern, as I’ve been addressing this behavior through my health journey over the past year, but the deep-rooted nature of this way of functioning has not been unlearned in just a few months.
My current visual point-of-view allows me to see the results of my over-consumption: the pile of clothes that I’m giving away because they’re too big now but were purchased during a season of life where my over-consumption damaged my physical health, the stacks of books that clutter my floor, the baskets and containers of skincare and makeup and who-knows-what-else. My little space is cramped with over-consumption. My body is still battling over-consumption. My mind is trapped inside a constant comparison between myself and others due to social media over-consumption. It’s an invasive and persuasive pattern.
While I am not necessarily intending for this blog to be a public journal of my healing, I hope that whatever it becomes can bring connectedness both between you and me, dear reader, as well as connectedness to myself within myself. I far too easily compartmentalize my brokenness or my hopes or my anxieties, and I want more wholeness. Isn’t that what we all want?